Goodbye FAML 160

The semester has come to a close, we've taken the final, submitted all of our assignments, and now what?

I think that I've learned quite a bit, not just about family relations, but also about relations with other people.
Bro. Winfree gave a ton of really great insights into the functioning of families and reasons why certain things happen. I think an overarching theme was humility. Humility is a huge aspect of any healthy relationship; especially in families. Being outside of the box will create an atmosphere where a family can work together instead of against each other.
It was ironic how little different students listened to the things we learned and applied them in our class itself. The amount of disrespect that was obvious between students was appalling and I've never seen anything like it in any other class I've had here on campus. Clearly little was learned about having humility and respect for others and using it in all aspects of one's life; like in the classroom. Granted, the class was largely class discussion and it was frustrating that many of the stories students volunteered about their own lives didn't always enrich the learning of topics, but there is no reason to be rude and disrespectful towards them. I chose not to share every personal application in my life with the class because I'm not that kind of person, and I would rather learn and apply privately, than play "show and tell" for an hour. But some of the stories students shared were relevant and emphasized the information we were discussing that day.
Opinions are opinions. Personal and not up for discussion or debate. I wish we would have covered that in the beginning of class. There were many opinions shared over the course of the semester which was great. However, the level of contention that was felt in the room when a large majority of the class disagreed with someone was completely ridiculous and unnecessary. So what if someone agrees with spanking? And so what if someone doesn't agree? There is no need to fight over it. I hate classes where people are allowed to debate to the point that they are beating a dead horse. The purpose of this class was not to change opinions or to tell others what they are doing wrong. That is not the job of students. They are to learn together and respect the lifestyle and opinions of others. Verbal filters would have been useful I feel like.

Over all, I'm glad I took the class. I learned a lot about a variety of applicable topics in my life from the text and from others. I would recommend it to another person, and I would recommend the teacher as well.

Here are the top 10 things I learned in this class, just in case you are interested:

5 Research Cautions: Although the beginning of the semester’s topics was rather dry as we studied research specifics, I did learn some things that I want to remember. The five research cautions were 1) Sampling: the larger the sample size the more accurate the results; 2) Control Groups: asking the question of whether or not the research study included an experimental group, and a non-experimental group; 3) Maturation: Often the research studies we read about are on average two years old because that is when the data was collected; 4) Terminology: often times wording in a study will mean one thing, when the readers may interpret it in a different way; 5) Researcher Bias: I need to remember to question who sponsored the study and their agendas for conducting the experiment. By remembering these five cautions, I will be able to be more critical of the research that I read and not be deceived by poorly conducted research.

Family Systems Theory: I really enjoyed learning about the various aspects of the family systems theory; especially what I learned regarding the different types of boundaries. I value this information because of how vividly I recognized these boundaries in my nuclear family, and have seen the effects of them. I enjoyed learning about and learning how to recognize them in an effort to fix the unhealthy ones. Rigid and overly-permeable boundaries are inappropriate in that those who have rigid boundaries aren’t accessible and are dearly impossible to get close to. There is very little love and closeness between those with rigid boundaries. Overly-permeable boundaries are not healthy either because they cause problems between two people who are constantly overstepping the boundaries. Permeable boundaries are the kinds of boundaries that I want in my family. They are the healthy type where there is mutual respect between everyone. The idea of subsystems is also something I want to remember because of how valuable they are in a family system. This way, I can respect the subsystems that will be present in my future family instead of trying to break them up. Loyalty is something to be desired in a family.

Masculinity vs. Femininity: I want to remember the conversation we have regarding masculinity and femininity. Even though there were mostly negative characteristics that we mentioned out of jest, there are real differences between men and women. These differences are innate and divinely appointed by God. The point that I really want to remember is that the characteristics that we consider that when a man has them is “gay”, are the exact characteristics which Christ had; caring, charity, love for others, compassionate, pure, diligent, listener, patient, etc.

4 Stages of Human Sexuality: I want to remember the four stages of human sexuality for when I explain sex to my children. I believe that these steps are important for them to understand. The biological aspect of sex is just as important as the psychological and emotional side of sex. I especially want to remember the specifics of the Excitement stage will allow me to explain to them what happens when excitement is triggered, and especially to tell our daughters how easily a young man can become excited. I also want our sons to understand how easily things can get out of hand.

ABCX Family Crisis Model: I really found the ABCX Family Crisis Model fascinating. This model explains how significantly stress can affect a family. Depending on their interpretation of the stressor and the say they cope and manage that stress together can decide whether or not the crisis truly turns into a crisis. I want to remember this for my future family. Inevitably we will experience stress as a family and we will need to cope with these things healthily. This will make it so we don’t turn a simple stressor into a crisis, and when a crisis really does occur, we can deal with it accordingly. I also want to remember that the key to a family coping healthily with a stressor is flexibility. The more flexible a family is, the better off they will be in stressful situations.

Family Developmental Stages: I enjoyed learning about the developmental stages of the family. These stages are worth remembering because we all are in at least one of these stages. Understanding these stages will help us cope with the natural aging process of our lives. The Stages are 1) Leaving Home (check); 2) Coupling (check, check); 3) Parenting with young children; 4) Parenting Adolescents; 5) Launching Children; 6) Retirement and Old Age. Also understanding various events that can disrupt the family life stages can help in the coping of the stressors which will occur.

Proper Use of Communication: Remembering how the use of language and nonverbal signs can convey messages whether intended or unintended. Also, how emotion can influence communication. Unintended messages can cause miscommunication between two people negatively. The example that Bro. Winfree used of communication between person A and B when A does something and B reacts emotionally. Who has the problem? It was concluded that person B had the problem because they chose to give an emotional reaction. Person A may not realize the way they initially communicated with person B, but person B still chose to respond emotionally.

Effects on Children with a Working Mother: There are proven negative effects on children whose mother does not stay home with them, but work full time out of the home along with the father. The connection with the child and his mother is strained and the long term effects seem to be negative. The effects on a child who grew up in a home with a mother there all the time, and a father who works but is involved in the child’s life are far more positive. Having a mother in the home is far more beneficial psychologically and emotionally for a child. I want to remember this because I want to make sure to carefully consider it in case I consider working later on while my children are at home.

Parenting Styles: Understanding the three kinds of parenting styles is something I not only want to remember, but also something I’ve talked to my husband about extensively. Identifying examples of the various kinds of parenting styles helps us to realize the kinds of parents we want to be. Knowing that there are different kinds of parenting helps us to recognize things that we need to work on when we do become parents. Being an Authoritative parent is our goal, while being authoritarian and permissive parents is what we want to shy away from.

20 Minute Solution: I really appreciated the advice called the “20 Minute Solution”. This is when a parent takes 20 minutes at least 4 times per week in one on one, child directed play with each child. The benefits from getting down on the level of your child and giving them 100% of your attention for 20 minutes will greatly build the relationship you have with your child. During these 20 minutes, you are not allowed to direct the play, or seek after “teaching moments”, no questions, and you can only narrate what the child is doing. By building relationships, you will increase the influence you have with your child.

Marriage: Worth it?

We have come to the end of the semester. We are now wrapping up topics concerning marriage and family, and asking ourselves, so what?
So what? What does it all mean? Is marriage really worth it? It is ironic that we ask this during the week that we talk all about divorce and separation. There are so many things that go wrong in a marriage. Not because these people are destined to divorce or separate, but because they choose to. Divorce is so easy now days with the "no-fault" divorce. I'm surprised you can't go down to the local 7 Eleven to get one. It's so sad when a marriage does end in divorce, whether it is warranted or otherwise.
The statistics are nasty if you want them to be nasty. While we see that roughly 50% of all marriages end in divorce, we often forget of the 50% of all marriages do not end in divorce. There are millions of couples who get married and love each other, serve each other, and have humility to say they are sorry and are married for decades until death, or in our case eternity.
There is a couple here in Rexburg who recently died. They had been married for 76 years and died within 16 hours of each other. How precious is that? 76 years of kissing the same person, living with that same person, eating with that person, talking with that person, and just being with that person. It can be done. I won't have it any other way.
When I married Duncan we both agreed that Divorce was not an option. Divorce is giving up, it's throwing away a precious covenant with each other and our Heavenly Father. Obviously there are instances when divorce is necessary. Those extreme cases are hard, but it is just a trial that those must endure. I am so blessed to be married to someone who loves me, honors me, respects me, and thinks that I'm worth it.
I found it interesting that the factors which are risks for divorce were all characteristic of most college students at our school. Young, low income, children, etc. But honestly, I'm not worried about that. There were some pretty negative comments about the fact that most of us married at BYU-Idaho are at risk for divorce. But I know for a fact that those who listen to the spirit, no matter how quiet it is, when they are married in the temple and sealed by the holy spirit of promise, and are true to their covenants, and live so that the spirit can be in both of your hearts and in your homes, and if you work hard to serve one another and above all RESPECT one another, you will live for eternity in a celestial marriage. God did not put us on the earth to fail. He has created the earth and the gospel through a pattern. This pattern allows us to recognize the work of God and the righteous things in this world. Divorce is not in that pattern. God did not create divorce. Divorce is man made.
We are not destined to divorce. It is an option that can either be real in your marriage or not exist at all. For me and my husband, it does not exist.

Marriage is worth it. You can't duplicate this kind of happiness.

Intellecutals

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mvkz9Rqzcs0

This week we talked a lot about parenting and becoming a parent.
I think that Bill Cosby can sum up what it means to be a parent quite well.
Right now, I am an "intellectual". I don't have children. Not by choice, but just because that is the way it's going to be for a while.
We asked the question in class: "Why do you want children?" Why do I want children?
There were a number of girls who said "because they are cute!"I have one thing to say to those girls...go get a puppy. Having children just because "they are cute" isn't a good reason to create and be responsible for human life. Having a child is so much more than that.
I decided that I wanted children for the experience. I want to experience the hardest but most rewarding time in any two people's lives. I want to know what it's like to become a mom, to hear my baby cry for the first time, and have those sleepless nights that everyone complains about, but won't trade the world for.
There were some comments that stood out to me.
First of all, my husband has told me that I wasn't allowed to have my mother in the birth of my child. He has never told me that if anyone is going to be there that it would be his mother because she and I need to bond. I can't imagine having that kind of a husband. When I was pregnant, Duncan told me that I could have anyone there that I wanted because I would be doing all of the work anyways. Granted, we had decided that it would just be me and him anyways, but still, he would never be that kind of a husband.
Second, I loved the comments made by a guy in the back. He told of his favorite experiences about the birth of his daughter. He got emotional, and it brought the spirit of what childbirth actually is back into the classroom. I really appreciated it.

One day, I will be a mother. Either to my own children, or to another child. It will be a wonderful experience. Hard, but wonderful.

Fatherhood

I think that one of the most ridiculous ideas which is common in our society is that we don't need fathers to rear and nurture children, and that mothers are much better at it. It is so sad how we have slowly taken the roles of fathers away which were divinely appointed to them by Heavenly Father, who, as a father, is very involved in his children's lives.
Fathers are extremely important. Righteous fathers are necessary for the well-being of their children. They preside in the home, protect, and provide for them (the three P's of the Priesthood). Without fathers, Daughters are lost in a world of deciding what kind of husband she should expect, and sons are without an example of what it means to be a real man of God and of the household.
One of the assignments for this week was to write a paper about Fatherhood and what it means to families as a whole. My favorite idea about how a father can best influence his children was discussed in my paper:

One of the most important influences a father has on his children is the love he shows for their mother. Elder Hammon ("Daddy are you awake?") discusses how important it is for sons to see the right way to treat the women in their lives through the examples of their fathers. By a father showing love and respect for a mother, a boy will see how precious women are on this earth and that they deserve the up most respect. Unfortunately, the world is full of examples where women are taken advantage of, abused, criticized, and neglected. If we want the world to change their view of women, the fathers must show their sons the way to do it.

It is equally important for girls to experience the influence of righteous fathers. Elaine S. Dalton’s talk “Love Their Mothers” discusses the positive influence a father has on his daughters when he shows respect and love for their mother. She said:

“How can a father raise a happy, well-adjusted daughter in today’s increasingly toxic world? The answer has been taught by the Lord’s prophets. It is a simple answer, and it is true—“The most important thing a father can do for his [daughter] is to love [her] mother.”¹ By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. She will learn from your example what to expect from young men and what qualities to seek in a future spouse. You can show your daughter by the way you love and honor your wife that she should never settle for less. Your example will teach your daughter to value womanhood. You are showing her that she is a daughter of our Heavenly Father, who loves her.” (2)

When a father is seen showing respect and love for his wife, their daughter will settle for nothing less than being treated the way her father treats her mother. This can solve patterns of abuse in families and relationships. Most often, when a woman enters and remains in an abusive relationship, it is because that is what she was exposed to as a child. She doesn’t know what being treated like a daughter of God is like. When a righteous father provides that standard for her, she will settle for nothing less.

My father is everything I had ever wanted in a husband. Sometimes it didn’t show in the people I chose to date. But when I met my husband, I knew he was the one because he is just like my dad (sometimes it’s creepy). When we were dating, we talked about everything. We talked about how we wanted to have a family and what we wanted that family to be like. We talked about what we thought was important. I still remember some of Duncan’s answers to the questions about what role he wanted to play in his children’s lives. He wanted to have a career that never interfered with attending ballet performances or wrestling matches, birthdays, graduations, or other important life events. He wanted to be the one to bless them as babies, baptize them, give them the priesthood, be there for the Daddy-Daughter activities with young women, to go on scout camp outs, work on merit badges, give them priesthood blessings whenever they are needed, drop them off at the MTC, and see them married in the temple. I even remember him talk about what he wanted to do with his grandchildren and it kind of freaked me out because I was scared enough getting married, I hadn’t even thought about being a grandma! As a future mother, I want to support Duncan in these amazing goals to be the kind of father that Heavenly Father is for our children. I want to provide whatever support I can to make sure I don’t overstep my bounds and get in the way of him being able to do that. By showing respect and love to Duncan, he will be able to magnify his calling as a father.

I'm Rubber, You're Glue?

"Emotions are the glue in any relationship".

I think that quote sums up the topics of discussion for this past week in Family Relations.

Communication is one of the aspects of any relationship that is almost never done right, but is so crucial to the success of any relationship.

So why is it so hard to master? Pride.

When we communicate, our goal is to be heard and to invoke a connection between the person with whom you are communicating with. However I think that most people don't realize how communication really works.

I thought it was so interesting that well over half of communication occurs through nonverbal cues. These include body language, eye language, muscle contractions, appearance and grooming, etc. Very little emphasis is placed on the exact words that are being said.

When we talk with someone and they say something in response, we are always interpreting what they say by what they look like.

You know what they say when you assume??

This is why clarifying, repeating meanings back to a person and taking the time to confirm what they are saying to avoid confusion and miscommunication which can cause worse problems.

I am a firm believer that technology has deteriorated the art of communication. Texting, emailing, instant messaging, and most importantly Facebook has caused the upcoming generations to miss opportunities to learn how to effectively communicate. More human interaction would benefit relationships all over and improve the quality of life of those relationships.

Stress on the Family

This week we talked a lot about stress and coping in the family. How does your family receive and react to a stressful event? Do they hole up and not talk to anyone? Do they reach out and ask for help? Do they break apart? Do they come together to support one another? Do they talk things out? Run things out?

There are so many ways that families deal with stress. Some ways are healthy, while others are not.
I have been married for three years to my absolute best friend in the entire world. We are so alike in many ways, and we are also very different. For instance, the way we deal with stress.

When I experience stress, I am a basket case. I have panic attacks, I over dramatize things, I cry, I hole up in bed, hug it out.

Duncan on the other hand just gets quiet, sits on the couch, and watches a show on Netflix, makes a list of what he has to do, numbers them according to priorities, and then starts doing it all.

See the difference? I stop everything, and he breathes, and then goes about tackling whatever needs to get done to solve whatever problem he is facing.

Together, we compliment each other nicely.

Last December we lost our baby after 6 months of pregnancy. It was terrible. But instead of turning away or fighting or looking elsewhere for comfort, we turned toward each other and came so incredibly close it was insane! I never thought in a million years that we would be able to face something like that, and I know that I couldn't...alone. With Duncan there with me we were able to do the seemingly impossible. It was truly a blessing. We were like a well oiled machine assessing the situation and then working together to accomplish it. We didn't get angry, we didn't blame anyone, we just came together and walked together through our Gethsemane. We looked to my parents for support (they had experienced a similar situation) and comfort and advice. But other then that, we really just took on this beast head on. I did learn that we tend to be very private in a situation of high stress. We didn't go to anyone for help other than my parents and the doctor. We didn't really talk about it at all until it was over. It helped to talk to each other and with our Heavenly Father.

I am confident that we are going to be able to face stressful situations down the road and work together effectively. And hopefully the way we do it will teach our children how to cope with stress in a good way.

Ever Heard of a Genogram?

www.genopro.com

You should check it out if you haven't. A genogram is a type of genealogy chart that doesn't just track birthdays, death dates, etc. It tracks relationship patterns between family members. Grandparents to children, cousins to aunts and uncles, mothers to daughters and sons, and so on. The different relationships aren't always happy either. The genogram is a bit of a touchy way of tracking family history patterns because it doesn't just track the happy relationships, they track abuse patterns, hostility, violence, distance, broken relationships, estrangement, and many more. Typically, when a relationship is negative, families don't typically talk about them. Especially those who are on either end of the negative relationship. Something I was thinking about as I was creating my 4 generational genograms was that each person's genogram would be different. For example: my mom's version of our family's genogram would be different than mine or my grandmothers. Therefore, a genogram is pretty subjective.

As an assignment this week we had to create our own family's genogram, and I must say, that it wasn't easy.

When you create your own genogram, you will notice that the more positive relationships are various shades and designs of green, the negative ones are in red, and the abusive ones are blue. This makes it much easier to see a general overview of whether or not your family is more positive or negative. (The genogram is very messy with lines going everywhere. You can hardly tell what it is you are looking at.).

My family's genogram was rather depressing. It was roughly 70% negative, and 30% positive. Apparently my family has a hard time getting along with one another.

The purpose of the genogram is for the person compiling them to see relationship patterns from their family history to learn from. For example: if you saw that mothers and daughters had a hard time getting a long, you may take certain precautions to correct that with your own daughter. Being able to change negative relationship habits in family history can be difficulty, but if you recognize it soon enough, you can change things for the better and put an end to the conflict.

I highly recommend doing a genogram. Maybe if more people did them, the more negative patterns can be put to a stop.