Marriage: Worth it?

We have come to the end of the semester. We are now wrapping up topics concerning marriage and family, and asking ourselves, so what?
So what? What does it all mean? Is marriage really worth it? It is ironic that we ask this during the week that we talk all about divorce and separation. There are so many things that go wrong in a marriage. Not because these people are destined to divorce or separate, but because they choose to. Divorce is so easy now days with the "no-fault" divorce. I'm surprised you can't go down to the local 7 Eleven to get one. It's so sad when a marriage does end in divorce, whether it is warranted or otherwise.
The statistics are nasty if you want them to be nasty. While we see that roughly 50% of all marriages end in divorce, we often forget of the 50% of all marriages do not end in divorce. There are millions of couples who get married and love each other, serve each other, and have humility to say they are sorry and are married for decades until death, or in our case eternity.
There is a couple here in Rexburg who recently died. They had been married for 76 years and died within 16 hours of each other. How precious is that? 76 years of kissing the same person, living with that same person, eating with that person, talking with that person, and just being with that person. It can be done. I won't have it any other way.
When I married Duncan we both agreed that Divorce was not an option. Divorce is giving up, it's throwing away a precious covenant with each other and our Heavenly Father. Obviously there are instances when divorce is necessary. Those extreme cases are hard, but it is just a trial that those must endure. I am so blessed to be married to someone who loves me, honors me, respects me, and thinks that I'm worth it.
I found it interesting that the factors which are risks for divorce were all characteristic of most college students at our school. Young, low income, children, etc. But honestly, I'm not worried about that. There were some pretty negative comments about the fact that most of us married at BYU-Idaho are at risk for divorce. But I know for a fact that those who listen to the spirit, no matter how quiet it is, when they are married in the temple and sealed by the holy spirit of promise, and are true to their covenants, and live so that the spirit can be in both of your hearts and in your homes, and if you work hard to serve one another and above all RESPECT one another, you will live for eternity in a celestial marriage. God did not put us on the earth to fail. He has created the earth and the gospel through a pattern. This pattern allows us to recognize the work of God and the righteous things in this world. Divorce is not in that pattern. God did not create divorce. Divorce is man made.
We are not destined to divorce. It is an option that can either be real in your marriage or not exist at all. For me and my husband, it does not exist.

Marriage is worth it. You can't duplicate this kind of happiness.

Intellecutals

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mvkz9Rqzcs0

This week we talked a lot about parenting and becoming a parent.
I think that Bill Cosby can sum up what it means to be a parent quite well.
Right now, I am an "intellectual". I don't have children. Not by choice, but just because that is the way it's going to be for a while.
We asked the question in class: "Why do you want children?" Why do I want children?
There were a number of girls who said "because they are cute!"I have one thing to say to those girls...go get a puppy. Having children just because "they are cute" isn't a good reason to create and be responsible for human life. Having a child is so much more than that.
I decided that I wanted children for the experience. I want to experience the hardest but most rewarding time in any two people's lives. I want to know what it's like to become a mom, to hear my baby cry for the first time, and have those sleepless nights that everyone complains about, but won't trade the world for.
There were some comments that stood out to me.
First of all, my husband has told me that I wasn't allowed to have my mother in the birth of my child. He has never told me that if anyone is going to be there that it would be his mother because she and I need to bond. I can't imagine having that kind of a husband. When I was pregnant, Duncan told me that I could have anyone there that I wanted because I would be doing all of the work anyways. Granted, we had decided that it would just be me and him anyways, but still, he would never be that kind of a husband.
Second, I loved the comments made by a guy in the back. He told of his favorite experiences about the birth of his daughter. He got emotional, and it brought the spirit of what childbirth actually is back into the classroom. I really appreciated it.

One day, I will be a mother. Either to my own children, or to another child. It will be a wonderful experience. Hard, but wonderful.

Fatherhood

I think that one of the most ridiculous ideas which is common in our society is that we don't need fathers to rear and nurture children, and that mothers are much better at it. It is so sad how we have slowly taken the roles of fathers away which were divinely appointed to them by Heavenly Father, who, as a father, is very involved in his children's lives.
Fathers are extremely important. Righteous fathers are necessary for the well-being of their children. They preside in the home, protect, and provide for them (the three P's of the Priesthood). Without fathers, Daughters are lost in a world of deciding what kind of husband she should expect, and sons are without an example of what it means to be a real man of God and of the household.
One of the assignments for this week was to write a paper about Fatherhood and what it means to families as a whole. My favorite idea about how a father can best influence his children was discussed in my paper:

One of the most important influences a father has on his children is the love he shows for their mother. Elder Hammon ("Daddy are you awake?") discusses how important it is for sons to see the right way to treat the women in their lives through the examples of their fathers. By a father showing love and respect for a mother, a boy will see how precious women are on this earth and that they deserve the up most respect. Unfortunately, the world is full of examples where women are taken advantage of, abused, criticized, and neglected. If we want the world to change their view of women, the fathers must show their sons the way to do it.

It is equally important for girls to experience the influence of righteous fathers. Elaine S. Dalton’s talk “Love Their Mothers” discusses the positive influence a father has on his daughters when he shows respect and love for their mother. She said:

“How can a father raise a happy, well-adjusted daughter in today’s increasingly toxic world? The answer has been taught by the Lord’s prophets. It is a simple answer, and it is true—“The most important thing a father can do for his [daughter] is to love [her] mother.”¹ By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. She will learn from your example what to expect from young men and what qualities to seek in a future spouse. You can show your daughter by the way you love and honor your wife that she should never settle for less. Your example will teach your daughter to value womanhood. You are showing her that she is a daughter of our Heavenly Father, who loves her.” (2)

When a father is seen showing respect and love for his wife, their daughter will settle for nothing less than being treated the way her father treats her mother. This can solve patterns of abuse in families and relationships. Most often, when a woman enters and remains in an abusive relationship, it is because that is what she was exposed to as a child. She doesn’t know what being treated like a daughter of God is like. When a righteous father provides that standard for her, she will settle for nothing less.

My father is everything I had ever wanted in a husband. Sometimes it didn’t show in the people I chose to date. But when I met my husband, I knew he was the one because he is just like my dad (sometimes it’s creepy). When we were dating, we talked about everything. We talked about how we wanted to have a family and what we wanted that family to be like. We talked about what we thought was important. I still remember some of Duncan’s answers to the questions about what role he wanted to play in his children’s lives. He wanted to have a career that never interfered with attending ballet performances or wrestling matches, birthdays, graduations, or other important life events. He wanted to be the one to bless them as babies, baptize them, give them the priesthood, be there for the Daddy-Daughter activities with young women, to go on scout camp outs, work on merit badges, give them priesthood blessings whenever they are needed, drop them off at the MTC, and see them married in the temple. I even remember him talk about what he wanted to do with his grandchildren and it kind of freaked me out because I was scared enough getting married, I hadn’t even thought about being a grandma! As a future mother, I want to support Duncan in these amazing goals to be the kind of father that Heavenly Father is for our children. I want to provide whatever support I can to make sure I don’t overstep my bounds and get in the way of him being able to do that. By showing respect and love to Duncan, he will be able to magnify his calling as a father.

I'm Rubber, You're Glue?

"Emotions are the glue in any relationship".

I think that quote sums up the topics of discussion for this past week in Family Relations.

Communication is one of the aspects of any relationship that is almost never done right, but is so crucial to the success of any relationship.

So why is it so hard to master? Pride.

When we communicate, our goal is to be heard and to invoke a connection between the person with whom you are communicating with. However I think that most people don't realize how communication really works.

I thought it was so interesting that well over half of communication occurs through nonverbal cues. These include body language, eye language, muscle contractions, appearance and grooming, etc. Very little emphasis is placed on the exact words that are being said.

When we talk with someone and they say something in response, we are always interpreting what they say by what they look like.

You know what they say when you assume??

This is why clarifying, repeating meanings back to a person and taking the time to confirm what they are saying to avoid confusion and miscommunication which can cause worse problems.

I am a firm believer that technology has deteriorated the art of communication. Texting, emailing, instant messaging, and most importantly Facebook has caused the upcoming generations to miss opportunities to learn how to effectively communicate. More human interaction would benefit relationships all over and improve the quality of life of those relationships.

Stress on the Family

This week we talked a lot about stress and coping in the family. How does your family receive and react to a stressful event? Do they hole up and not talk to anyone? Do they reach out and ask for help? Do they break apart? Do they come together to support one another? Do they talk things out? Run things out?

There are so many ways that families deal with stress. Some ways are healthy, while others are not.
I have been married for three years to my absolute best friend in the entire world. We are so alike in many ways, and we are also very different. For instance, the way we deal with stress.

When I experience stress, I am a basket case. I have panic attacks, I over dramatize things, I cry, I hole up in bed, hug it out.

Duncan on the other hand just gets quiet, sits on the couch, and watches a show on Netflix, makes a list of what he has to do, numbers them according to priorities, and then starts doing it all.

See the difference? I stop everything, and he breathes, and then goes about tackling whatever needs to get done to solve whatever problem he is facing.

Together, we compliment each other nicely.

Last December we lost our baby after 6 months of pregnancy. It was terrible. But instead of turning away or fighting or looking elsewhere for comfort, we turned toward each other and came so incredibly close it was insane! I never thought in a million years that we would be able to face something like that, and I know that I couldn't...alone. With Duncan there with me we were able to do the seemingly impossible. It was truly a blessing. We were like a well oiled machine assessing the situation and then working together to accomplish it. We didn't get angry, we didn't blame anyone, we just came together and walked together through our Gethsemane. We looked to my parents for support (they had experienced a similar situation) and comfort and advice. But other then that, we really just took on this beast head on. I did learn that we tend to be very private in a situation of high stress. We didn't go to anyone for help other than my parents and the doctor. We didn't really talk about it at all until it was over. It helped to talk to each other and with our Heavenly Father.

I am confident that we are going to be able to face stressful situations down the road and work together effectively. And hopefully the way we do it will teach our children how to cope with stress in a good way.